Pissing Off The Piper
by Radioactive Rubber Duck
Summary: A list of ways to annoy the Piper!


**If you have the power to read yourself into books, or know somebody else who can, and if you're planning to take a trip to the Inkworld, then this list is an essential item to take with you!**

**WARNING: Try at own risk, the Piper seems to carry at least three weapons around with him all the time.**

1. Steal his nose; hide it somewhere with LOADS of spiders.

2. Get him really drunk one night, so baby that he won't remember anything that happened, then turn up months later with a baby (just borrow one off somebody else) and claim that it's his.

3. Mess about with all off his instruments so that next time he tries to play them, they'll be really out of tune.

4. Laugh at his voice, burst into fits of giggles every time he starts talking.

5. Cut his nails really short while he's sleeping.

6. Or paint them weird colours. Or pink. Same thing really.

7. Talk constantly about how Orpheus, Firefox and Thumbling are so much better than him.

8. Keep quoting what the Black Prince said about him being a tame minstrel during Inkspell, and keep tying a leash round his neck.

9. Whenever he's talking to loads of people, like when he's in Ombra or whatever, come up behind him and yell to everyone that he's pregnant.

10. Keep pushing him into ponds.

11. Assuming that his fake nose is strapped onto his face, when he's asleep, pull it back as far is it will go, then let it snap back.

12. Dye his hair weird colours, I suggest rainbow, if you can.

13. Laugh at him for how much he cares about his fingernails and call him feminine because of it.

14. Imitate him, saying "Oh my god I broke a nail!"

15. Replace all of his musical instruments with trombones.

16. Constantly mock him for not being able to catch the Bluejay.

17. Sing annoying songs about it, with really repetitive tunes.

18. When he's halfway getting onto his horse, run up behind him and start screaming really loud so that the horse gets scared and starts running off, dragging him along the ground.

19. Keep glomping him and yelling that he just needs a hug.

20. Insult his songs, keep saying they really aren't scary.

21. Force him into kissing Firefox, in public!

22. Call him a wuss for being scared of spiders.

23. Keep putting spiders all over his stuff.

24. Force feed him onions, lots of them.

25. Every time he comes within a metre of you, yell "OWW!!!" really loudly for no apparent reason.

26. Put him in a small boat and push him out to see. Wave at him and say "Goooooodddbbbyyyyeeeeee!!" as he floats away.

27. Everytime he threatens someone, or starts talking about torture, start crying about how he's just misunderstood.

28. Call him Pippy-kins.

29. Steal all his clothes and replace them with dresses.

30. Then put his clothes on and wander around doing impressions of him.

31. Get Meggie, or Mo or Orpheus or someone to read Shelob or Aragog out of their books and send them after him. (They're the big spiders from Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter.)

32. Tell him he married Cosimo in his sleep. Set things up so that this actually seems likely.

33. Tell him the story of "The Pied Piper of Hamlin." When you've finished, start comparing him to the Pied Piper. They're both called Piper, they both play instruments, they both kidnapped every child in a city and then took them to a cave/mines. Well, the Piper never actually succeeded, but he was planning to.

34. Keep singing the Ham song from "The Ketchup and Mustard Man" whenever he's around. (.com/watch?v=eH-nyS41Ib0 That's the Ham song, if you wanna hear it.)

35. Force him to dance. (He's a minstrel, we all know he can) Laugh at him when he does.

36. OR you could cover the floor in soap before making him dance. Then just sit back and watch him slide.

37. Drop stuff on his head randomly.

38. Paint his face in his sleep, with butterflies and daisy's.

39. Ask if the reason his nose got cut off turned him gay. (It says how it got cut off in Inkspell, page 328.)

40. Whenever he's talking to the Adderhead, or playing music for him or anything like that, run in crying for no reason before hurling yourself at him and sobbing about how he's the only one that understands. Or about anything else that would confuse him.

41. Use any methods needed to persuade him that it would be a good idea for him to get an afro.

42. Secretly replace his silver nose with an iron one. Then throw magnets at him.

43. Commentate on him torturing people, saying it must really hurt, but in as much of a sarcastic voice as possible.

45. Get Meggie to read aloud something where the entirety of Ombra dresses up as various types of fruit and storm the castle…..don't ask.

46. Walk up to him, narrow your eyes and say "I know what you did" before walking off again.

47. Pinch his cheek.

48. Keep making the "I knew a man who had no nose, so how did he smell?" joke.

49. Or, when you've given him the iron nose, just put one massive magnet near to him so he gets stuck to it by the face. Everyone would like, have to use ropes to attach him to their horses, then all ride their horses as fast as possible in the other direction to try and pull him off, or read out a tractor and do the same with that.

….OR they could just take his nose off.

50. While you have him on the leash, throw a stick and yell "fetch!" Then just look at him expectantly.

51. Feed Jacopo LOADS of sugar while the Piper has to like, be near him and look after him.

52. When you're talking TO him, still call him THE Piper instead of just piper.


End file.
